Getting Along, Inside & Out

The Buddha lists four qualities that are useful for people to develop so they can get along with one another. They’re also useful inside.

The first quality is generosity. When you’re dealing with other people, you’re generous with your things. You’re generous with your forgiveness. You’re generous in your judgments of them.

The second quality is kind words. When you have to criticize someone, do it in a way that shows respect. This means finding the right time and the right place, so that you’re not doing it in front of a lot of other people. That way, the person you’re criticizing will be more willing to hear what you have to say. Try to find a way to say it that shows respect. One of the worst things you can do in any relationship, either in the family or outside the family, is to show contempt or disrespect.

The third quality is genuine help. When you’re helping somebody else, make sure that you’re not just going through the motions, and you’re not just trying to score points. You actively think about: What does this person need? What would be useful for this person to know or to have? See if you can provide it.

The fourth quality is consistency. This is explained in lots of different ways. One way is that you try to be consistent in your help. Another way is that you try to act consistently in line with the role that that other person has toward you. In other words, if someone is your mother, you may behave consistently toward that person as a mother. Don’t try to erase her status. The same goes for other people who have special relationships to you.

And the same principles apply inside. You’re going to have to be generous with your mind. Try to keep using kind words when you’re scolding it, or when you’re pointing out its errors. Try to do it in a way that it’s going to be willing to listen. And then make sure that your criticism really is helpful.

As for the mother inside, Ajaan Lee says, that’s mindfulness, because mindfulness is the mother of all the other good qualities inside. You keep something in mind and then you notice what happens when you act on it. This would, of course, involve discernment, virtue, and all the other factors of the path.

But behave consistently toward yourself as a meditator. Make sure that your mind stays in the right place as you go through the day. It’s not that you’re a meditator only when you’re sitting here with your eyes closed. You’re a meditator all through the day. So treat yourself in line with your status as a meditator. Be responsible in how you look at things and listen to things. Be responsible in what you say. All your regular activities: Try to bring them into the practice.

We often talk about bringing the practice into daily life. But all too often what happens there is that daily life is like a cement sidewalk, and there are little tiny cracks here and there, and maybe a little tiny flower will grow, a little plant will grow in the cracks, but daily life doesn’t offer much room.

So switch your priorities: Think of practice as the context, and then you try to fit daily life in there. As for things that don’t fit in with the practice, you can just drop them. You’ll find that the practice has a chance to grow big and strong.