Self-hatred

When the Buddha uses the word “conceit” or māna, his meaning is different from the usual meaning of the English word “conceit.”

In English, “conceit” usually means an undeserved sense of pride, an overbearing sense of pride, whereas for the Buddha, “conceit” simply means the sense, “I am.” He listed that as one of the fetters—one of the higher fetters.

When we read about that, those of us who really don’t like ourselves say, “Let’s attack that sense of conceit right now.” We think that our sense of “I” is in charge, and all the nasty habits we have—when we’re petty, nasty, selfish, irritable—can all be traced back to the “I.”

But that’s like assuming that a politician is an independent operator in a position of power to make whatever laws he wants. But if you look carefully, you see that the politician is in service of other people. Which banking family, which industrial family is actually calling the shots: That’s the really important factor.

In the same way, your sense of “I” is often in service of something else. It’s simply one of the forms of clinging. And usually it’s in service of a desire for a certain pleasure.

In fact, that’s what becoming is all about. You have a desire for something, a goal you’re holding on to, and you really want it. Then there’s the world in which that goal is found, and then the identity you have to take on within that world in order to get what you want.

So the desire comes first. Even the world actually comes before the sense of you in that case. So instead of wiping out your sense of “I,” you’ve got to ask yourself, “What’s it in service of? What desires am I serving? Maybe I should look at those first.” You can’t attack the sense of “I” directly and wipe it out as long as those desires are still there.

And what’s the world in which you think this “I” has to operate? Again, that view of the world has a huge impact on who you think you are and how you think you can get what you want.

We’re raised in a very competitive world where you have to have a dog-eat-dog attitude in order to succeed. Your “I” becomes a dog because of your view of the world and how it works.

That, of course, connects with the other form of clinging, clinging to habits and practices: the ways you’ve gone about getting what you want in the past, some of which were less than honorable.

You have to ask yourself, “Is that the only way you can get what you want?” I’ve told you the story of the middle-level manager at a tech company who was complaining about the fact that he wanted his underlings to do a better job. He found himself yelling at them all the time. It was creating a bad atmosphere in the office.

He asked me what he should do, expecting that I’d say, “Well, be more accepting of their flaws.” But as I told him, “No. My phone and my iPad are made by your company. I want them to be good products. So hold the workers to high standards, but learn other ways of motivating them, making them want to do a good job, happy to do a good job. Expand your repertoire.”

So remember: All too often our sense of “I” is in service of other things. If you want to solve the problem of the “I” that you don’t like, don’t focus so much on obliterating the “I.” Focus more on the things you want that this “I” to be in service of: your views about the world, what’s possible to attain out there, and also your sense of how you should go about it.

You may need to learn some new habits, some new skills.

You may say, “I’m an old dog. I can’t learn new tricks.” Well, we’re all old dogs in light of the fact of rebirth. Some of our habits go way, way back, to previous lifetimes, and it’s never too late to change. Simply get a sense of how things can be done from people who set good examples.

It all goes back to the fact that the “I” is not always in charge. It’s in service of something else, and you’re not going to be able to deal with the problems of your habits until you find out what that something else is. Attack the problem at the cause.

After all, conceit does have a role to play in the path. Think of the example that Ven. Ānanda gave: You see that other people have gained awakening. They’re human beings. You’re a human being. If they can do it, why can’t you? That thought is a type of conceit, and it’s needed on the path.

Even non-returners still have a sense of conceit. In fact, they needed their sense of conceit to become non-returners to begin with. Think about those higher fetters, such as conceit, passion for form, passion for formlessness, restlessness, and ignorance. Of those five, four actually have a role to play on the path getting to non-return.

Non-returners have to develop a full mastery of concentration in order to be non-returners. How do they do that? They have:

passion for form, the form of the body as you feel it from within as you’re practicing concentration;

passion for formlessness, the formless states—the dimensions of infinite space, infinite consciousness, nothingness;

restlessness, wanting to make progress; and

conceit, the sense of “I am,” that “I’m responsible for doing this. I can do this. I will benefit from doing this. I can learn from my mistakes.”

This means that healthy conceit is a necessary thing, and you’ll need a sense of “I am” in order to maintain that.

This is why those fetters are not abandoned until after the attainment of non-return. You need them to get to non-return to begin with. Then you let them go.

So look at what this “I” is in service of. All too often, we think in very abstract terms about what we’re trying to do here. We think we’ve got the metaphysics wrong, not understanding who or what we are. But actually, the real issue has a lot to do with more mundane things: What are your desires? What are you passionate about? What do you want?

Remember, the big irony of the practice is realizing that the things we want are often the cause for suffering.

Not every form of desire, though, is a cause for suffering. Some desires—to act skillfully, to abandon unskillful qualities—are part of the path. But everything else we want, in terms of sensuality, the sense of becoming, or even the sense of non-becoming—when you don’t like yourself, when you want to obliterate yourself: These are all causes for suffering. Even the self that doesn’t like the self is a form of non-becoming. So you have to watch out for it.

Remember how you attack that problem. You look at the things that go into creating this sense of self. You look at the sense of becoming that you don’t like. You see: Where does it come from? You attack the problem at the causes and not at the result. It’s not the case that the sense of “I” comes first all the time. There are some things you do once you’ve established a sense of “I” that you do in service of that “I,” but you also have to dig back further: What is that “I” in service of? That’s when you can approach the problem skillfully.

This is an example of what advantages there are in knowing some of these lists that the Buddha gives us. I’ve heard people complain, “It’s always lists, lists, lists.” But the lists are there not just to memorize and analyze. They’re there to act as checklists, as reminders of some of the alternatives you might not have thought of before, or that you knew before but have since forgotten.

As when the Buddha talked about the five aggregates: He said there are people who manage to let go of form, feeling, perceptions, and thought constructs, but they don’t let go of consciousness, so they’re still holding on. It was when he pointed out to the five monks all five of these aggregates that they were able to let all five of them go.

So the problem is not with all the lists. The lists are there to serve a purpose. They’re there to be used as tools. The question is knowing when and where and how to use which tool. If you feel you’re overcome by the lists, just choose one list that you find useful for your particular problem right here, right now, and really focus on that one. Learn to think about its implications.

In this case, you’re holding on to an “I,” but that’s only one out of four types of clinging. You’re also holding on to habits and practices. You’re holding on to a view of the world. You’re holding on to sensual fantasies. Those other types of clinging might be the real problem.

If you didn’t have the lists, you wouldn’t have thought of them. You’d just be hammering away at your poor “I.” So have a sense of the lists. Remember, these are tools, just as your sense of “I am” can be a tool. It’s going to be a necessary tool that you have to master until you get to non-return. Then you can think about dropping it entirely. But until then, put it to good use.

Remind yourself that you can train your sense of “I” to be in service of other desires, in service of the desire to gain awakening, informed by a view of the world in which awakening is possible.

People can do this, informed by a world in which people can change their habits and practices. Remember, if we couldn’t change our habits and practices, the Buddha said he wouldn’t have bothered to teach. He was able to teach old people, young people, educated people, uneducated people to change their ways.

It comes down to seeing that you’re suffering and that your actions are causing the suffering. So you have to be willing to change your actions in order to stop suffering. But you can learn how to stop.

Use the tools that the Buddha provides to figure out exactly what approach you have to take, where the possible problems might be and what the cure might be, so you don’t just keep banging your head against the wall.